I’ve always been thorough and had an eye for detail. Probably too thorough and checking things that don’t need checking a lot of the time, like when buying a new PC case on Amazon and going through every one of the search results. That was for a £50 case, when trying to pick a house my brain went into overdrive.

One property was built in the early 1800s so this meant there was loads of data that was available. The house was next to some open land and used to be a vicarage and before I knew it, I was looking at photos of it when it was active, had tracked the ownership of the land next door, found news articles and plans about it, plans for the land next to that, learned all about the conversion of a pub at the end of the road that was now a shop and flats, read about the private road that ran along the side of the house as well as the planning application for a house in the garden of this house we were looking at. I read through the architects proposal and noticed that it was produced on the assumption the client would still own the main house but that wouldn’t be the case – once they sold that and split the title, the plot they wanted to build the other house on would be ‘land locked’ by the main house and the private road. I asked how they planned to get services to the new build project as it turned out they couldn’t go via the private road and if we bought the main house we wouldn’t really want it all dug up for the new services and to give them access. Unfortunately the answer was that they hadn’t thought of that.

Ultimately, it was a good thing to have found this out but some aspects might have been overkill – you could argue I didn’t need to go on a virtual walk of the village or review the accounts of the businesses connected to the person/company that owned the land next door but it all added to the overall picture.

Back to the drawing board…

We’ve thought about moving house for quite a while but it’s always been an issue of timing and unsurprisingly, money.

I think I was a bit defeatist about the idea really as I switched to working part time not long after our eldest was born so never had loads of money. We weren’t poor but had to be careful with what we did have and never really had anything left at the end of the month. Our eldest started high school last year and our youngest will be going next year, although to a different one (a post for another time perhaps) which prompted some more serious thought into the matter. While they were both at primary, it didn’t seem right to uproot them but finding a window whilst one was at high school and the other was about to go should be far less disruptive. It made sense to us – being closer to the new school and better links to the other would make life that bit easier.

We were adamant that we didn’t want to make a sideways move though. Moving house is expensive. And stressful. And expensive. Very expensive. So we didn’t want to do it only to have to do it again after paying for things like stamp duty so we wanted to get it right first time. So what changed to make this more of a possibility? My amazing wife started a new job was the main factor and combined with some research and planning, it might just work…

After my first few posts, there were some family and work issues and dealing with those was the most important thing to do. I’m hoping to get back to updating this now, especially as there are some changes to write about.

It was the end of March 2023 and I was on my way back to the clinic for a follow up assessment. I hadn’t prepared in any way for this one whereas for the first one I had copies of the forms I filled in and a few other statements etc in case I got distracted or overwhelmed and forgot stuff. I realised afterwards that I could’ve looked up what to expect in either of the assessments but I didn’t want to influence my own behaviour, as I said before, I was already a bit anxious about over/under compensating so wanted to go in with no preconceptions and see what happened.

I wasn’t desperate to be told I was or wasn’t autistic, I mainly wanted some answers and understanding as to why I did particular things and why I felt how I did about stuff. If it was autism, fine. If it wasn’t then I could rule that out and look at other options. The feedback from the first assessment did suggest to me that I had a bunch of traits but I knew that was just one part of the process so wasn’t going to get ahead of myself.

As it turned out, this 2nd assessment was all about communication and social interaction. I didn’t think I had major issues with communication until last year when I started to try work out why I was often misunderstood, both literally and my tone. It’s another of those daft situations that when I actually thought about it, it went all the way back to my childhood where I would get guidance from my mum when a situation was coming up “talk like this”, “say this”, “don’t do this”, “try to look interested”, “watch the tone of your voice” etc. That kind of direction stuck with me so I pretty much know what and how I should be speaking and what the expectation is in most situations but I didn’t really question why I needed that guidance. I still ask people what I should say or do to try help myself but I also often come across in a way that I absolutely don’t mean to. And then I struggle to understand how I came across that way.

During the assessment, it seemed to go ok generally. I didn’t like some of the tasks and didn’t see the purpose or relevance. I didn’t attempt one of them as it made me feel uncomfortable, the kind of feeling of having to go on a stage to do something, I guess some people don’t care but I just didn’t want to do it. I answered everything else as well as I could but some of questions were quite hard, I felt like I was exposed in the sense that my struggling to explain something that most people wouldn’t have an issue with made me feel quite sad. I suppose that’s the point of the assessment though – not to make someone sad – but to see how their brain works in certain situations but despite knowing that it didn’t feel great going through it.

Shortly afterwards whilst on holiday, I received a phone call confirming my diagnosis and saying that a letter would follow which it did. I opened it and read it and my wife asked what it was, I said it was the report on the assessment etc, she asked to read it. I said “maybe later” as she was about to go out and I thought it wouldn’t be the best time to do it but she asked again so I said “sure”.

When she got to the end of the letter she had tears in her eyes and I wasn’t really sure why. There were loads of lines and sections that could have caused it or it could’ve been something I said or did. It was a bit more confusion linked to social stuff for me. She did say later that it was hard seeing it written in black & white after we had more casually talked about those traits in me previously. She was sad as it made her think about how hard things must be for me at times – some parts of the report were pretty blunt about emotions, interaction, communication etc as all my ‘faults’ were laid out. If nothing else good comes out of it, she now knows if I’m saying to her that I didn’t mean something ‘that way’ it’s true and it’s just because I’m rubbish at communicating and also for me it’s a big reminder to run stuff through the translator in my brain to do my best to say things in a way that can’t be misunderstood. And not to assume I understood exactly what someone meant, it’s awkward asking for clarification but sometimes it’s for the best.

The assessor said that they would let me have some time to reflect on the news and arrange some further meetings to discuss how they could help and any next steps.

The short version is that following my assessment I was told I required a more detailed assessment and another appointment would be set up soon.

The feedback was tough but mainly because it confirmed what I had started to realise since I had been looking into whether I was autistic or not. It’s not easy being told why you’re not ‘normal’ (or typical in this case) followed by a bunch of examples that illustrate the point. It’s not like receiving criticism on a piece of work you’ve done or a picture you’ve drawn, it comes across as criticism of you as a person and your personality.

It became apparent I don’t come across the way I think I do. The signs had been there a long time actually, as a kid my mum would tell me to say or do things a certain way and how I should try to come across to others or to just come across ‘better’. My wife would do the same too to some extent but for some reason it didn’t click in my brain why I was getting this guidance. I’m not saying either of them knew it was down to being autistic but they were trying to help me and I didn’t appreciate why at the time. I have thousands of examples of where I have had to follow up on what I’ve said to someone as their response seemed completely unrelated or what I said was taken as being rude or aggressive, either in person, on the phone or email etc. Until recently I put more emphasis on people misunderstanding me with no fault on my part but the likelihood of that always being the case is pretty slim so if nothing else, it has made me think more about making sure when I’m communicating with people that there’s no risk of being misunderstood etc. The problem with this is that I thought I was doing that anyway and now I’m running things around my head like it’s going through a translator before I say it. It’s pretty tiring and as I said, I thought I was being clear and direct anyway so it’s not easy.

There were other things about communication like having a flat tone, missing cues of when I should speak and when I should stop, lack of expression, eye contact. It’s pretty brutal really to get told all this. I should add that it wasn’t said negatively though and if it’s coming across that way here that will just be how I’m typing it.

It was time to wait again for the next appointment which would be an ADOS-2 assessment.