The short version is that following my assessment I was told I required a more detailed assessment and another appointment would be set up soon.

The feedback was tough but mainly because it confirmed what I had started to realise since I had been looking into whether I was autistic or not. It’s not easy being told why you’re not ‘normal’ (or typical in this case) followed by a bunch of examples that illustrate the point. It’s not like receiving criticism on a piece of work you’ve done or a picture you’ve drawn, it comes across as criticism of you as a person and your personality.

It became apparent I don’t come across the way I think I do. The signs had been there a long time actually, as a kid my mum would tell me to say or do things a certain way and how I should try to come across to others or to just come across ‘better’. My wife would do the same too to some extent but for some reason it didn’t click in my brain why I was getting this guidance. I’m not saying either of them knew it was down to being autistic but they were trying to help me and I didn’t appreciate why at the time. I have thousands of examples of where I have had to follow up on what I’ve said to someone as their response seemed completely unrelated or what I said was taken as being rude or aggressive, either in person, on the phone or email etc. Until recently I put more emphasis on people misunderstanding me with no fault on my part but the likelihood of that always being the case is pretty slim so if nothing else, it has made me think more about making sure when I’m communicating with people that there’s no risk of being misunderstood etc. The problem with this is that I thought I was doing that anyway and now I’m running things around my head like it’s going through a translator before I say it. It’s pretty tiring and as I said, I thought I was being clear and direct anyway so it’s not easy.

There were other things about communication like having a flat tone, missing cues of when I should speak and when I should stop, lack of expression, eye contact. It’s pretty brutal really to get told all this. I should add that it wasn’t said negatively though and if it’s coming across that way here that will just be how I’m typing it.

It was time to wait again for the next appointment which would be an ADOS-2 assessment.